| A script! My kingdom for a script. Here's one, PM. And here's some more... |
The problem with a stage director demanding that everyone stay on script "or else" is that in this play, a script writer has been notably absent, and senior cast members have crafted their own personal scripts, each of which bears only passing resemblance to a central plot.
And like actors fearing that the whole studio will go up in flames before they reach stardom, the most ambitious players have also sought the services of a range of publicity departments, each offering a different narrative.
With the Abbott cabinet meeting this week reportedly without a single formal submission to consider, Foreign Minister Julie Bishop chose the Greta Garbo route by choosing the first online issue of The Huffington Post Australia to give an exclusive interview in which she offered the exotic argument that she was showing leadership by keeping her thoughts to herself.
Referring to the fraught business of what to do about same-sex marriage, she declared that a plebiscite was "the only way forward", followed by "I don't want my personal views to become the issue".
"My colleagues always get leadership from me in terms of my role as deputy leader of the Liberal Party," Ms Bishop told the HuffPost. "I spoke on this matter in the party room this week. I have read in the media, so therefore it must be right, that I had some influence on the outcome of the discussion. So I am showing leadership."
Perfectly clear.
Scott Morrison, who wants a referendum, not a plebiscite, went on Ray Hadley's highly flammable Sydney radio program early this week, where he was accorded the privilege of sitting almost mute as the host unloaded a cargo of hydrogen bombs on Malcolm Turnbull, who has had the temerity to win more plaudits from the public than all the other actors. Hadley offered the view that if there was to be a change to the Liberal leader role, it would be Mr Morrison, not Mr Turnbull, who ought to get the promotion.
"There's not going to be one (a leadership change) and the Prime Minister has my full support and that's the way it will remain," said Mr Morrison, straight-faced.
Which doesn't go all the way towards explaining why, only a couple of weeks ago, Mr Morrison submitted himself to a very kind feature story, with smiley family photographs, in The Australian Women's Weekly.
This is known in the theatrical world as the option of first resort when one requires an image makeover.
Mr Morrison's outing with the Weekly came only weeks after GQ magazine ran a full-cover picture of Mr Turnbull, who doesn't believe there should be either a plebiscite or a referendum, headlined "Primed Minister".
Meanwhile, Tony Abbott, the director and would-be scriptwriter, has been kept busy sitting on his hands, first as the Bronwyn Bishop helicopter display whirled out of control, then as he devoted six hours to a debate about what not to do about same-sex marriage and now as his union-Bill Shorten thriller threatens to bomb.
Unsurprisingly, the audience has been avoiding his studio's productions in increasing numbers, and the ratings have bombed.
A new script seems required. Urgently. Or else.
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